Win_95_Market.c

#include
#include
#include /* Microsaft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{

if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{

if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);

}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking);

/* Standard Call, in lie.h
*/

if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{

market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;

}

}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{

case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing"); break;

case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:

say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;

case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:

say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
" the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh"); inform(SAMSUNG,
"Start a new memorychip plant"
"'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;

case DOES_MICROSAFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:

say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{

arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{

order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
release (journalist);

}

}
break;

}
while (vapourware)
{

introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);

}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{

bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{

say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{

ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency,
"Keep an eye on this bastard");

}

}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{

divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)

dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);

}
if (there_is_another_company)
{

steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);

}

}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island);
hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);

}
void bugfix(void)
{

charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)

say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");

if (still_complaints)
{

ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/

}

}